first page, to my story.

There will be a day when you wake up and just question everything you think you life is. Everything you feel you stand for & everything well that makes you, you. All of your thoughts will come to a halt and the world will continue as you know it, for that one second that your questioning yourself it seems like its all okay, but its not ,cause in a about one second your going to go back to that hellhole you call a life.Now maybe I'm being over dramatic or maybe I'm just being a teenage girl but are they not the same thing? Ive lost tracks of the amount of times Ive lost control of my life and had to try and gain it all back. I mean you cant let your life go to shit and then just leave it like that , can you? I mean everybody knows you gotta get back up and try riding that horse again but I think its safe to say sometimes I don't want to get back up , sometimes Id like to just sit back and make some glue.

Diary delayed.

Why is the world so nosey ? Full of questions and concerns about others? Life is supposed to be lived with no regrets.. no looking back.. or is that just fairy tale wonders? You imagine or hope to be this amazing and loved person one day but everyday that goes by is a bit of you getting eaten alive. Peace, the world will never know.As the teenage lives are being cut off by the drugs, the sex , the rock&roll theory. The adult lives are being stressed by work and concerns for their child's well being. June 21 of my 14th year , happened to be a day i will never forget. Waking up and not knowing what I was instore for. I went to a house party around 8 o'clock, I had one drink maybe two or was it three? , but i felt more alive then ever standing on that beautiful terrace. I just inhaled the air little by little , I could tell I was starting to get drunk . Marc was their , and the words just came out . I admitted that the sight of him and his mate was hard to bear. Blurting this out didn't work in my path. He of course nodded uncaring , but that's how he was . I took another drink ,mind the fact that i was underage and stupid , and knowing that i was getting drunk i took another and another after that.What am i up to six drinks , at that age I was done already. Yet I continued, falling down I was picked up by mona I guess curiosity kicked in because we started to indulge each others passion , the way we kissed was like we didnt want to stop.I held her close and pulled her in tightly , gripping her back with both hands .A sensation of a lifetime being drunk and indulging in the same amount of passion you give , you now get. I think everyone should indulge that passion atleast once. This was just, well... A night to remember. Life is peculiar in certain aspects but there is and will always be another corner to turn and another route. The hard part is finding the escape route.

rudethinkings first

Truth is, I still haven't figured myself out.I'm stuck in this chaotic life trying to figure out who i am , while most people are trying to figure out what there suppose to be. I don't know why but i cant fit in any mold.I mean everyone seems to preach being themselves but theirs usually a match for yourself, I have yet to find mine.Though i know i am myself its very frustrating trying to live like this, anti social almost because of it but that's a whole nother issue in myself. Truth about me is, I'm rude, i curse , i pick fights, I'm self conscious, i cry .I over think things , critique myself, i love myself, i question myself.I lust for sex , i hurt over men , i use people and i lie. Now that's not all i am, but thats partly me.Skellys in our closet, that need to come out in order to breathe. We all inhabit the worst qualities but we put the best ones on the exterior skin.Shouldn't we want to fit in, we all want to live a great life but is it worth your own self respect? Your dignity? Why do we always find a way to hurt ourselves , subconsciously even. We all are slowly killing ourselves. sexual addiction, drug abuse,paranoia and so much more in smaller forms. Living is a big word if you think about it then again so is deadly.Both six letter words that mean so much. Actually having so much in common , though the definitions are so far apart. Are we all just living to die or are we already dead, and just billions of chess pieces on a chess board of a no win game?